Mike and I often ponder aloud to each other about how much smarter we are than everyone else and wonder why we aren’t in charge of most things. A possible reason may be that we’re 18 year old high school kids, however a more plausible reason is that people in this country take things entirely too seriously and rarely have the fun that they should. One such example is in Hollywood. Consider the number of films released each year, then consider how many you will remember. As long as you’re not spending a ton of money or making a quiet masterpiece it should generally be recognized that your movie will not be taken seriously. I’m beginning to see a disturbing trend of forgettable dramas that take themselves entirely too seriously. Recently I’ve had the extreme displeasure of seeing a movie that would definitely fall into this category, and that would be the Adjustment Bureau.
Pretty simply put, both of those movies likely cost a lot of money, were mostly well put together, likely took a lot of thought development and were entirely forgettable. Why would you want to work so hard to create something that would be forgotten so fast? That’s why Mike and I have created a column idea where we recast movies to make them slightly more entertaining, possibly worse, and definitely more memorable. The first of these movies will be The Adjustment Bureau. Pretty much the point of this movie is that Matt Damon is a politician who is up and coming but is prone to doing stupid things, like the week before the election he moons his friends and subsequently loses the election. That night before his concession speech he meets a girl in the bathroom for like 5 minutes and somehow falls in love. Then he gives an amazing speech, he’s offered a job and on his way on his first day, it shows 2 well dressed men in suits and hats. Eventually he sees these men messing with his friend’s brain while everyone else seems to be paused. He runs away but is eventually caught by the men in suits. They reveal to him that they are the Adjustment Bureau. They change minor things in people’s lives in order to make things go according to plan. The plan of course is created by God who for some reason hires people to work under him and gives them magic hats that let them travel through one doorway to the other side of the city. Well they adjust the situation and after 3 years he hasn’t seen the girl and is in prime position to win an election to the US Senate. However one day he runs into the girl again and gets back together with her. For the rest of the movie he evades the Bureau to the point where they eventually give up and let him be with the girl on a mandate from God.
Well there were a few problems with this movie. First of all it had no genre. It was romantic but that wasn’t the dominate theme, it wasn’t a romantic comedy because it was in no way funny, and as a drama it rarely had you on the edge of your seat. On top of that the writing was forgettable and average. Secondly the entire concept of the movie was stupid, if God really was in charge and really had a master plan he wouldn’t be able to enforce it himself, like really? He’s God, he’s an all powerful being that created everything….and he needs guys in funny hats to make sure everything goes ok? And then Joe Schmo from Brooklyn beats the system? And they can’t focus on people when there’s water around? And in the end why did God undermine all of his people instead of just changing “The Plan”. Lastly the movie looked like it took a lot of effort but was not given a full 100% blockbuster effort. As long as you’re going to half ass a movie and create a storyline with huge holes in it, you might as well make the movie funny and that’s where the recasting comes in.
To make the movie more entertaining that first thing that needs to be done is to drop Matt Damon and pick up the king of half ass movies; Nicholas Cage. Having him running around yelling when he doesn’t have to, looking like he’s making up his lines as he goes along is actually highly entertaining. He’s in 15 movies every year so he has to bring something to the table right?
Next one of the top agents of the Adjustment Bureau is Thompson who Is played by Terrance Stamp. Really? No wonder Matt Damon\Nick Cage’s character is so successful, no one is scared of an 85 year old German man. As long as you’re going to have an old man chasing them around and yelling at them why not go with Samuel L. Jackson? I put Jackson up there with Will Ferrell as the funniest actors to watch. Everyone line he screams is hilarious, whether that is on purpose or not. How would it play out watching Jackson chasing Cage down? I don’t know, but wouldn’t you show up to see it? In fact I think these guys get what they want eventually in every movie they’re in. Both of their careers are a blur of yelling, fighting, chasing, and coming out on top. I think this might not work just for the simple fact that these men may refuse to lose in a movie. Undoubtedly the Jackson vs. Cage aspect of the movie would be undeniably hilarious.
Lastly it seems prudent to cap the half ass acting with the perfect romantic interest: Jennifer Anniston. This automatically adds a ton of likeability to the movie with America’s nicest actress. But lets be honest, no one is going to mistake her for Meryl Streep or Julia Roberts but a romance between her and Nicholas Cage adds a whole new level of humor and entertainment to the film. And that’s why we go right? To be entertained?
Stay Hungry My Friends
Stay Hungry My Friends
